I feel like crap.
Simcha rode a bike for the first time yesterday. A tiny little bike with training wheels. She was a mighty mighty thang to watch. But, her pant leg got caught in the crank arm and I had to take her pants and shoes off of her in order to get her free from the bike. She took that opportunity to change into a new pair of pants her friend has just given her. And through the day yesterday, she changed her clothes four times into "mine new fancy clothes" and she put on these shoes that - you really can't blame her - shiny bright red patent leather hiking boots - are too small. I had no idea I was raising two fashion divas! I must admit - when I have a question about what to wear - I regularly turn to my son. He has got mad crazy good taste and generally - will approve my clothing choices with either a double thumbs up or (when not so impressed) a tilt of the head and then a slow head shake with eyes rolled - "Uhh", he says, "no."
Where the hell do they learn that shit! Funny.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Sometimes my days are happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think. I think of this (from My Many Colored Days by Dr.Seuss) as Mz. Kyla (pronounced in my favorite fake lilting Gaelic) and I walk downtown in the cold, sunny of this autumn day. My favorite season. I smell this season in my dreams. I love it more than the blossoms of spring, the covering crystals of winter, or the cool water in the summer heat. Like the Tarot cards that appear time and time again in readings of my fortune the Tower, the Wheel, Death - something has to end for something else to begin - something is yet to come.
Slowly, I come back into the knowing. I share my soft delicate insides with my sister and she doesn't laugh or jab - but rocks me through her words as I cry and struggle with my humanity. I ask her to show me the compassion, she says, I already know where it is. She tells me my truth, by speaking it back to me. I believe the most valuable thing in my life are the people who hold up a mirror to my face - and when I choose to only see the things that are comfortable - force my gaze into the shadows of my reflection. Guide me back into me. "You already know". They say, and sometimes - "This is so not you". Meaning - you are not the essence of what you feel right now - you are that which enables people to overcome that pain. My tarot card has been The Star for years now. And often times it is also the Princess of Swords. Lately, I wanted someone else to climb the steep rocks - someone else to skin their knee and pull me to the top. I am just not allowed to have that. It doesn't fit. Ultimately, it is just the reminding that I need. The prize is me and I can only achieve it if I keep climbing. And I would not want to win the me someone handed me - I would only ever be satisfied with the sweat, tears, faced fears, and love that I created. So, thank you dear sister. I am beginning to remember. I will start by accepting the happy. I feel it. It is vague and unfamiliar. I have accepted it in terms of the steadfast love of my companion for a while now. I have accepted it in terms of loving my children and their cuddly loving sweetness that they return to me. But, THE HAPPY. The general feeling of contentment - of safety - this is new. I like it. I fear it. But, I mostly must stop myself from sabotaging it. I have seen what happens when people live their life sabotaging their own happiness. It is a lesson I would like to share without having to live. I often tell others it is their right to be happy. I must save that righteousness for myself as well - otherwise, what kind of example am I? You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Right? Well? So, THE HAPPY. I will be THE HAPPY. With smiles, and giggles, and laughter, and love - and today I will be happy all day. And tomorrow - I will try it again. And the day after that - perhaps that day too I will manage to sustain - and perhaps even for the rest of my life. I have done it before - I just forgot it for a bit. But, I will do it again. And I will stop asking if it is alright. I will stop asking if it is okay to be angry, sad, embarrassed, or happy. I will just do. And if when I do, I do wrong - I will say sorry. But, I will not punish myself - I will take responsibility, even when it is hard, and I will move on. Sometimes, I will wallow. I will make space to wallow (Like this blog). And then, it will be over, and I will move on.
LOL! It is hard being in a Jewish and Pagan house. The New Year seems to draw out from Rosh Hashana to Sawhain. It's like when Ari makes doughnuts for Chanukkah, we eat fried everything for a few days - and we can't stand fried food the rest of the year. I reflect, atone, reflect, atone, until my head is spinning - I think next year I need to delineate reflection, atonement, ancestor remembrance, and life cycles between the three holydays (Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Sawhain). Besides, who needs to hear me whining for two whole months!? YICK! Especially myself! Oye!
Slowly, I come back into the knowing. I share my soft delicate insides with my sister and she doesn't laugh or jab - but rocks me through her words as I cry and struggle with my humanity. I ask her to show me the compassion, she says, I already know where it is. She tells me my truth, by speaking it back to me. I believe the most valuable thing in my life are the people who hold up a mirror to my face - and when I choose to only see the things that are comfortable - force my gaze into the shadows of my reflection. Guide me back into me. "You already know". They say, and sometimes - "This is so not you". Meaning - you are not the essence of what you feel right now - you are that which enables people to overcome that pain. My tarot card has been The Star for years now. And often times it is also the Princess of Swords. Lately, I wanted someone else to climb the steep rocks - someone else to skin their knee and pull me to the top. I am just not allowed to have that. It doesn't fit. Ultimately, it is just the reminding that I need. The prize is me and I can only achieve it if I keep climbing. And I would not want to win the me someone handed me - I would only ever be satisfied with the sweat, tears, faced fears, and love that I created. So, thank you dear sister. I am beginning to remember. I will start by accepting the happy. I feel it. It is vague and unfamiliar. I have accepted it in terms of the steadfast love of my companion for a while now. I have accepted it in terms of loving my children and their cuddly loving sweetness that they return to me. But, THE HAPPY. The general feeling of contentment - of safety - this is new. I like it. I fear it. But, I mostly must stop myself from sabotaging it. I have seen what happens when people live their life sabotaging their own happiness. It is a lesson I would like to share without having to live. I often tell others it is their right to be happy. I must save that righteousness for myself as well - otherwise, what kind of example am I? You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Right? Well? So, THE HAPPY. I will be THE HAPPY. With smiles, and giggles, and laughter, and love - and today I will be happy all day. And tomorrow - I will try it again. And the day after that - perhaps that day too I will manage to sustain - and perhaps even for the rest of my life. I have done it before - I just forgot it for a bit. But, I will do it again. And I will stop asking if it is alright. I will stop asking if it is okay to be angry, sad, embarrassed, or happy. I will just do. And if when I do, I do wrong - I will say sorry. But, I will not punish myself - I will take responsibility, even when it is hard, and I will move on. Sometimes, I will wallow. I will make space to wallow (Like this blog). And then, it will be over, and I will move on.
LOL! It is hard being in a Jewish and Pagan house. The New Year seems to draw out from Rosh Hashana to Sawhain. It's like when Ari makes doughnuts for Chanukkah, we eat fried everything for a few days - and we can't stand fried food the rest of the year. I reflect, atone, reflect, atone, until my head is spinning - I think next year I need to delineate reflection, atonement, ancestor remembrance, and life cycles between the three holydays (Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Sawhain). Besides, who needs to hear me whining for two whole months!? YICK! Especially myself! Oye!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Costumes
Big Blue Monster and Brave Prince, those are the costumes I have been assigned to construct for my children this Halloween.
Burly Gurl has been on this cannibal kick since Ari began to read the children Pippi Longstocking. She talks about eating us up and recently she has been mimicking roasting her parents in the oven. It is creepy - and completely hilarious. She closes the imaginary door and turns the imaginary dials. Narrowing her eyes - "No!" she says, "Don't move, You are dinner - I am cooking you up!" Then she opens the door pokes me, grabs an arm or leans into my belly and "Chomp. NUmmy. RAAR. Chomp. I eat you! " and then she laughs maniacally.
Burly Gurl has been on this cannibal kick since Ari began to read the children Pippi Longstocking. She talks about eating us up and recently she has been mimicking roasting her parents in the oven. It is creepy - and completely hilarious. She closes the imaginary door and turns the imaginary dials. Narrowing her eyes - "No!" she says, "Don't move, You are dinner - I am cooking you up!" Then she opens the door pokes me, grabs an arm or leans into my belly and "Chomp. NUmmy. RAAR. Chomp. I eat you! " and then she laughs maniacally.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
The pipes clang before the heat comes
Today is going to be a busy one. Ari has to leave earlier than usual. It is storytime day at the Public Library - which is an activity I promised to take Simcha to until I can afford to send her to daycare a few times a week. I want to get some reading done and I need to clean the house - oh my, do I! I need to go to make sure Ari has some good food to eat for his long day (otherwise he'd skip eating, buy shit we can't afford, or eat crap). I am so tired and my stomach is upset today. I will not be irritable, I will be peaceful, I will not be irritable, I will be peaceful. I will wash my stink ass. I will brush my stink breath. I will be loving and kind. I will not vent my frustrations on innocents. I will not be irritable, I will be peaceful. Ari is wearing his red shirt today. I love that shirt - I must go get hugs now.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Happy October
I just realized it is October 1st. In my past I would call my mother and wish her Happy October! In celebration of her birthday month (and my favorite holyday). So, if it is your birthday month - HAPPY OCTOBER! What costume are you wearing for Halloween this year? Don't miss your chance to act like a monster! Silly, I mean on purpose!
Maybe the Princess and the Pea was about insomnia
So, fibromyalgia sucks. But, it is generally manageable. Until you can't sleep. Like the last six nights. You see it is this awful cycle of stress, sleeplessness, weather, that all effect each other. Right now, I am not sure about the weather - but, to venture a guess - it's changing from warmer to colder and possibly there is a new front coming in. Now stress - oddly enough - is usually something that doesn't keep me from sleeping. It is the joint pain and restless leg syndrome that is a side effect of the fibromyalgia that wakes me up every twenty to forty-five minutes. However, once I start to loose sleep due to pain - the stress elevates - the mind starts running a mile a minute - the agitation and irritability set in and suddenly - crap for sleep for weeks on end. The worse it's ever gotten was when we were in Albuquerque. I didn't sleep for more than one - three hours most nights and would wake up and go directly to pukeville. I lost somewhere around twenty pounds in a matter of a week or two. The funniest part of this whole drama is as I get worse and worse, people always start to comment on how great I look. It's like the destruction of my personal constitution actually causes physical side effects that people see as attractive. I think of that green (was it hair or skin) woman in Isabella Allende's book House of Spirits. MMMMmmmm. Perhaps, that is the color I should dye my hair. I was thinking more along the lines of pink or blue - but perhaps a nice green.
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