Sometimes my days are happy Pink it's great to jump and just not think. I think of this (from My Many Colored Days by Dr.Seuss) as Mz. Kyla (pronounced in my favorite fake lilting Gaelic) and I walk downtown in the cold, sunny of this autumn day. My favorite season. I smell this season in my dreams. I love it more than the blossoms of spring, the covering crystals of winter, or the cool water in the summer heat. Like the Tarot cards that appear time and time again in readings of my fortune the Tower, the Wheel, Death - something has to end for something else to begin - something is yet to come.

Slowly, I come back into the knowing. I share my soft delicate insides with my sister and she doesn't laugh or jab - but rocks me through her words as I cry and struggle with my humanity. I ask her to show me the compassion, she says, I already know where it is. She tells me my truth, by speaking it back to me. I believe the most valuable thing in my life are the people who hold up a mirror to my face - and when I choose to only see the things that are comfortable - force my gaze into the shadows of my reflection. Guide me back into me. "You already know". They say, and sometimes - "This is so not you". Meaning - you are not the essence of what you feel right now - you are that which enables people to overcome that pain. My tarot card has been The Star for years now. And often times it is also the Princess of Swords. Lately, I wanted someone else to climb the steep rocks - someone else to skin their knee and pull me to the top. I am just not allowed to have that. It doesn't fit. Ultimately, it is just the reminding that I need. The prize is me and I can only achieve it if I keep climbing. And I would not want to win the me someone handed me - I would only ever be satisfied with the sweat, tears, faced fears, and love that I created. So, thank you dear sister. I am beginning to remember. I will start by accepting the happy. I feel it. It is vague and unfamiliar. I have accepted it in terms of the steadfast love of my companion for a while now. I have accepted it in terms of loving my children and their cuddly loving sweetness that they return to me. But, THE HAPPY. The general feeling of contentment - of safety - this is new. I like it. I fear it. But, I mostly must stop myself from sabotaging it. I have seen what happens when people live their life sabotaging their own happiness. It is a lesson I would like to share without having to live. I often tell others it is their right to be happy. I must save that righteousness for myself as well - otherwise, what kind of example am I? You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Right? Well? So, THE HAPPY. I will be THE HAPPY. With smiles, and giggles, and laughter, and love - and today I will be happy all day. And tomorrow - I will try it again. And the day after that - perhaps that day too I will manage to sustain - and perhaps even for the rest of my life. I have done it before - I just forgot it for a bit. But, I will do it again. And I will stop asking if it is alright. I will stop asking if it is okay to be angry, sad, embarrassed, or happy. I will just do. And if when I do, I do wrong - I will say sorry. But, I will not punish myself - I will take responsibility, even when it is hard, and I will move on. Sometimes, I will wallow. I will make space to wallow (Like this blog). And then, it will be over, and I will move on.

LOL! It is hard being in a Jewish and Pagan house. The New Year seems to draw out from Rosh Hashana to Sawhain. It's like when Ari makes doughnuts for Chanukkah, we eat fried everything for a few days - and we can't stand fried food the rest of the year. I reflect, atone, reflect, atone, until my head is spinning - I think next year I need to delineate reflection, atonement, ancestor remembrance, and life cycles between the three holydays (Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Sawhain). Besides, who needs to hear me whining for two whole months!? YICK! Especially myself! Oye!