Already Happy

Friends occasionally encourage me to be happy and to see the blessing in my life regardless of what bleak situation I may be drudging through. It is in those moments I feel perhaps I have not been loud enough in giving thanks and recognition for what I have. So, I start racking my brain . . . "Did I forget to say thanks to them for something? Was there something that happened that I don't know about that I should be thankful for? Oh, NO! I don't want my friend to feel I don't appreciate them!" Sometimes, I even start listing everything they have EVER done for me "Thanks for all you do for me, thank you for the cup of coffee four months ago, that piece of chewing gum you just gave me, and the ride to the store when I was sick, and for having us over for dinner, and for opening the door for me last Thursday, and for holding my hair after that party in college . . . and . . . and" But, that is shortly before I remember - that I do. I say "Thank You." several times a day. And I say it with mindfulness and sincerity. It seems they need me to feel happiness loudly because the frankness with which I speak of life is uncomfortable for them. If my ability to speak freely about things that suck makes someone brand me a complainer - than they misunderstand my comfort with the existence of crappy things.

I am going to come out of my normal morose string of thoughts to let you know that I am a happy person. I may have some "Debbie Downer" tendencies, but, it is not out of general discontent that I share my frustrations. Do not confuse honesty with unhappiness. It is out of a need to recognize that there is still much to be done in this world that I speak of the things that are not always fun to hear about. It is my way of reminding myself that any contentment I feel can be seen in contrast to something that brings sorrow or upset. It is the rocks in my shoe - the salt in my tea. If it makes you uncomfortable . . . just know it isn't about you. I do it for me. And I don't go out of my way to point these things out to you. I just don't hide them behind rainbows and cupcakes. I am clear about the existing muck, because, I could easily become complacent.

I have a great life. If I died today - I had things that other's search for their whole life. I have an amazing family and we find joy in this life and in each other. I have great friends. And though, just recently, I mentioned a frustration with meeting NEW people, It was not a comment on the LACK of good people already in my life. It was just a remark on the effort to expand love in the world through new friendships. I recognize the joys and blessings in my life. Maybe, you struggle with that. But, don't assume everyone does.

I don't get mad with people who think they are broke when they have less than $100.00 in the bank and a paycheck coming in a week. I don't deny the pain and difficulty of driving with a sprained ankle when I have a friend in the hospital with cancer. I will not compare my pain or yours. And I will not compare our happiness either. I have no desire to compete for your pain so why should I borrow your happiness?

If you find the sad things that happen to others a bit too much to handle and you aren't as strong as you would like to be, that doesn't mean others aren't. And that doesn't mean they need you to remind them that they have goodness in their lives. The truth is . . . if someone lives a life full of adversity and pain . . . they will be the first to tell you "It could be worse."

Friendship 2011

Sometimes, I wish I were a child again. The ease and simple way they have of finding a friend in even the most random places - is beautiful. Albeit, some children are far more gregarious and quicker to jump into a conversation with a stranger or playground of hollering raucousness (my son is an example of this personality) where others tend to be slower - maintaining a quiet distance and sliding into play with a timidity and care (my daughter). Either way, they are all playing and laughing before you have laid out your blanket or checked your cell for voice mail.

I don't know what I was like as a young person in regards to this phenom... I don't remember if I was more like my son or more like my daughter. I know my mother used to say I was a bold child. But, I like to think I have always been the cautious type.

My oldest, clearest, memory of my youth in regards to making a new friend - I was already in seventh grade. Thus past the "do you want to play with me" stage. I remember, watching a girl I thought was interesting for about a week during the lunch period until I worked up the nerve to introduce myself. We were fast friends. We had an instant connection (once we actually spoke) and we were tied at the hip for years. Sadly, our friendship did not survive a major rift toward the end of high school.

I have had hundreds of friendships since then. Some based on a common interest, some based on similar beliefs, some based on a shared experience. Only a dozen or so with whom I had an instant connection. And, truly, I only have a few close friends.

I am not a shy person. But, I am not a social butterfly either. I have moved around a lot through the years and have found ways of getting by and fighting loneliness with random conversations with strangers and 'friendship lite' - meaning friendships that were more of an extensive acquaintanceship for the purpose of having company at a movie or someone to carpool with. One year of my life, I relied entirely on the company of three people I couldn't stand to be around - simply because it was better than being alone everyday (though, I chose to be alone quite a bit that year). As I get older, I am less willing to tolerate people I don't enjoy. And I seek company and conversation that is deeper and more fulfilling than what is available through small talk. I have noticed these simple preferences make establishing friendships ever more difficult. And I find the ritual of making friends intimidating.

Here are a few examples:

Case Study #1: A MEAN WOMAN

I was kind to a woman because I was raised well. This woman determined that I was a "worthy" subject for friendship and has gone out of her way to become my friend. I do NOT want her as a friend. She is always generous to me and has not done anything to cause me immediate harm however, she is an asshole. I see her behave as an asshole to others and behave with the most self-centered, selfish, egotistical ways. I do not care for her. So, why is she trying to be my friend? Why does she insist on stealing time from me that I would find better spent watching paint dry? Do I have to be viciously mean to make her go away? Really?

Case Study #2: A WOMAN I MET WHILE THE KIDS WERE AT DANCE CLASS

I was waiting at the rec center with my son and another young man entered into a conversation with him and they began to play (see! kids make it look so easy!) . I had a migraine but, was listening as they spoke. This kid was crazy smart! I saw a woman who shared some of his facial features and I asked if he was her brother or son. She said "Yes, I am his mother." and I went on to say how I thought he was so smart and to encourage her to look into schools for him with accelerated classes. We had a nice little chat and shortly after making my remarks, I apologized for being rude but I had a migraine and I put on my sunglasses and hid under my hoody. Today, I was again present (migraine free) at the rec center. The woman and I made some strange efforts to try and not be obvious in our very obvious desire to speak to each other once again. We did this awkward secret dance involving looking at clocks and cell phones, peeking in at our children dancing, and walking past each other three or four times (without making eye contact), before getting courage enough to say hello. Seriously, it could have been a reel of an animal behavioral study on Discovery Channel. Finally, she asked if my headache was better and said she had gotten acupuncture for a migraine just last week herself. The conversation would have been interesting but, we spent so much time not wanting to be the one 'in need' of a friend to talk to we wasted almost every moment of the children's dance class and ended up only exchanging a few sentences. Sigh.

Case Study #3 BOY-FRIENDS

I have a history of having both male and female friends. I was super close with a man who got married to a woman who was uncomfortable with the depth of our connection and asked him to stop speaking with me. Which . . . hurt. And, though I understood her perspective, it has strongly tainted my ability to get close to heterosexual males as friends ever since. I have heterosexual male friends who are married- who I met as part of a couple and I maintain a friendship with as a couple- and I have gay male friends (single and married). But, I fear exploring friendships with single straight men because I worry it will create another "problem" for myself or that person. Ugh.

Case Study #4 SOUL MATES

With all of the traffic in my head regarding the "right" way to make a new friend - Sometimes, I still manage to find people who I can spend time with. VERY RARELY, I find someone who, no matter how we navigated the initial "hello.", shakes me into a deep knowing that the web of life had us sewn together before we even knew the other existed. But, life is complicated, and we are not children on a playground. There are rules and rituals and expectations. And so, we allow people who, we KNOW and LOVE - INSTANTLY, to fade into the background of our lives to avoid complications. Robbing ourselves of those deep meaningful connections that , quite possibly, could sustain us as we reach the time in our lives when we no longer tolerate shallow convenience friendships and egregiously offensive personalities.

I ask . . . am I a prematurely curmudgeonly thirty-something? Is friendship at this age meant to be such a hardship? Am I alone in my desperation? If friendship is this hard now - how the FUCK do people manage ROMANCE? SEX?

I am not giving up. I believe if I did give up - if I accepted that this is how it is - well . . . what would be keeping me from permanent hermitage? . . . So . . . Would you like to play with me?

Occupy my Apartment

I have limited access to communication devices lately and as a result have limited numbers of minutes to spend on social networking sites (which I don't spend a ton of time on to begin with) or even to check the news. But, I have read bits and pieces about Occupy Wall Street. I have seen that there are articles debating the relevance of this protest and I am not shocked by any of the commentary. Who are these people? What are they doing? Is it useful? Is it meaningful? Will it change anything? Are there bathrooms? All good questions.

I am not on Wall Street and have not gone out to "Occupy San Diego" either. I cannot - just now. Just now, I am working to avoid becoming homeless. Just now, I am looking for work and 'hustling' to get my bills paid. Just now, I am spending hours meeting with case workers and family charities and standing in food lines. Just now, I do not have time to show up with a sign and be part of a movement where people are talking about why the system isn't working and wanting to know why other's don't care enough that the system isn't working to do something about it.

I am a hard working, intelligent, creative, college educated woman. I am married to a brilliant man with a BA, BS, Master's degree, and Juris Doctorate, whose vision of justice could change the world. If this system isn't broken - then why the hell are we unemployed?

Everyday, we are optimistic and working toward a positive outcome. But, if nothing changes for us, in another week, we will have to make a decision to sell our stuff and figure out where to sleep. I will not have time to hold a sign then either. So this is my sign. I am tired and worn to the bone. My feet hurt, my head hurts, I can't sleep. I am sad and scared and I am waiting for something to get better. I am the 9.1%.