San Diego Tweed Ride is tomorrow! Hope I am rid of this ick so I can join the fun!

Percival Everett wrote some books I like

I don't write fan letters. I am generally not the fan type. I don't tend to see others as more or less worthy of attention but I do have favorites if pressed to express preferences. For example as writers go, Zora Neale Hurston is at the top of my list. I appreciate creatively written non-fiction and imaginative works of fiction. I do not enjoy dry intellectual writing steeped in the academy - even though it does not go over my head - I think the addressing of ideas in circular narratives with redundant meanings uses up paper and helps few answer the real questions i.e. how to conduct ourselves or how the heck humans got here to begin with. (beware tangent) Though, I do enjoy a good conversation about discursive this and that and enigmatic blah dee blah. And further, I hate talking about the weather IF you are afraid to move on from there to talk of industry or global climate change and I love talking about babies but that does not mean it won't lead to a conversation about pedagogies. . . ANYway, I think that is why I like Mr. Everett's writing. I don't know the man but I like his writing. His tall tales are delightful and his characters are not boring. He writes about middle places (in my mind they are middle places, probably because I like the idea of middle and not polar). His novel Erasure is so damn smart. There are some things his character said I really liked . . . 1. "Behold the Invisible" 2. "Too mystified to actually be depressed" 3. "I watched his lips and realized I understood nothing he was saying. His language was not mine. His language possessed an adverbial and interrogative geometry that I could not comprehend. I could see the shapes of his meaning, even hear that his words meant something, but I had no idea as to the substance of his meaning. I nodded."

This last one was the most meaningful to me.

How Many Voices are in Your Head?

Today I realized the multitude of voices in my head may never be separated out enough to determine how many there really are - but, I did manage to find two of them (three maybe) that seem to be at each other's throat regularly. One, this particular thinking voice who notices things and comments about them in the most stunning ways and the other that in hearing the first says things to discredit it by making the most cutting remarks possible and quick at that - and the third, the one who brings this quarrel to my attention - seems to be regarding both with equal wonder and frustration and only painting pictures and colors and recalling memories in response to them both.

I am temporarily naming voice one Opulent Voice and Mean Voice is the second. Number three I call Vision as it does not have a vocal quality or develop words in any way but presents every question or statement with depth of meaning only understood through shapes and shades of a life of first-hand accounts and dreamworlds. I believe there may be a shadow voice or accomplice voice to Vision through which I am given smells and spacial relativity. For instance, if Opulent Voice says something about the way the green leaves move across the blue backdrop of sky reminding it of breathing and that g*d must have taught the first people to relax by giving them wind in the trees - at which time Mean Voice says "You arrogant shit. What kind of bullshit is that? - you sound like a puke ball wind bag of bad fiction!" Then Vision just shows me two sets of hands over a glass table gesticulating with authority and defiance and my body begins to feel like it is in a room with shrinking walls. And then I think again - a fourth voice - the voice I know the best . . . the one I know as Era . . . says "Goodness." and I sigh outwardly(a sigh my friends and loved ones have come to know well).

Today I realized that Mean Voice may be the one a friend calls 'the hater' in her own head. And, I believe that Opulent Voice may be the one that my friends who are writers are most in communication with. I however, continue to relate more to Vision. Vision, who is a quiet observer of my own thoughts pasting together meaning from colors and memories and bringing to attention the internal arguments of my mind. This, a process less in-your-face than either of the other voices would allow if they ruled my thoughts. Which, I think would make me a different person all together. And I think - they are indeed part of me. And at different times in my life they are the louder and force themselves out and my life becomes a series of reactions to the patterns of speech of Opulent or to the negative droning of Mean. But, that I do prefer the mellow and quiet peace of Vision and am also settled that sometimes when Vision is aware that my life is in greater need of poetry or in hasty need of a good come-back will defer its place at the forefront of my thinking for another voice to take over because reflections may make me a better person but, they won't get the rude woman off my toes on the bus.

New Year

I can't say that I know what this year will bring but I am hoping for the following:

1.We move to a different house or apartment

2. My children have a great school experience

3. My spouse has new and better school and work experiences

4. I do something new that is challenging and fun and exciting all at the same time

5. I see my niece for the first time

6. I gain strength in my arms and back while regaining flexibility

7. I am a better friend

8. I make a new friend

9. I read every book I have in my house that I have put off reading til "I have more time"

10. I get a new passport and plan a trip

I recently watched a piece that was produced through NOVA on dreams. It was mostly about the research being done into the purpose of dreaming. During this episode (I watched via Netflix) I learned that Freud is still perceived as a leading expert of dream interpretation. I learned that men and women both have a greater percentage of their sexual dreams dedicated to persons other than that of their spouse/partner. I also learned that REM sleep induces completely different dream experiences than non-REM sleep. And for a very minor moment in the episode a male "expert" asserted that we inherit the dreams of our ancestors (particularly the scary ones) that are trainer dreams for all the things we must endure to survive. This is what struck me most and not only did it remind me of some of the ideas that I have been playing with the past few years. I remember having a recurring dream as a child that was particularly vivid and frightening that I did not have the contextual framework to have built in my subconscious at the time. Meaning: there were places and events in the dream that I had no point of reference for from my surroundings, the books I read/had read to me, the television I was exposed to, or the stories people in my life would have shared at the age of four through six. I have since seen things and experienced things that would provide the visual reference for the landscapes, the odors, and the strange and sometimes incredibly violent behaviors that were exhibited in my dreams - at the time I was unaware of such things - which made the dreams stand out even more to me then. This dream that came to me often has, in fact, provided me with some natural aversions to particular odors and was probably the key to surviving some real traumas in my life. It may be the key to why at times I have known it was safe to fight and other times knew I had to endure pain and humiliation in order to survive and find safe passage through an event. But, this idea of inheriting scary dreams as a gift of survival leads me into thoughts of all of the places where our ancestors have developed lessons through terror and fear. The number of fairy-tales that are immensely frightening that were told to children that served as a way of spooking them into behaving or acting cautiously. I even think about the "Seven Deadly Sins" a Christian idea where people live in fear of eternal damnation of their soul. But, truth be told - look at the sins . . . wrath...being uncontrolled hatred and anger...now I am not someone to deny the power of rage and the purpose of all of our emotions, however, I think it is generally wise to not let your anger control you and that in fact being in control of your anger is often a fantastic tool in focusing energy to promote change in yourself and the world. Greed, wanting to pursue status and financial wealth to an extreme which often requires a sense of superiority and the desire to be and have more than others which puts a value one life over others - inequity in thought and action. Sloth . . . sloth . . . doing nothing . . . being lazy . . . doing nothing . . . well . . . let's see . . . grasshopper and ants . . . little red hen's corn . . . if you do nothing and work is left undone people die. Seem extreme? If farmer's don't plant - things don't grow -if people don't gather up food - there is nothing to prepare - if you don't prepare the food you have nothing to eat - if you don't clean the dishes you can get a disease - all of these steps require working . . . and if you don't work . . . there could be a negative consequence and in some cases death is indeed the consequence. So, take it as you wish sloth is bad and should be avoided. Pride...this is not meant as pride of accomplishment but rather a feeling of being better and more worthy (the attitude behind the greed) once again the idea that a person is superior - my dog is better than your dog, my religion is better than your religion...I could go on but, will leave that topic for another day. Lust, excessive sexual thoughts . . . I have a lot to say about lust and will think about it another day as well but, I would say that although sexual thoughts are unavoidable and completely natural obsession of sexual thoughts can turn into dangerous distractions and ultimately destructive to your life and relationships. Envy . . . what a waste of energy...I wish I had that life/body/talent/thing...your body is limited to the genetic material you were given at birth and the lifestyle you choose to operate in. Your life is a combination of things you can control and things you cannot so control the things you can and let go of the rest (or pray as my grandmother does and "give me the power to change the things I can change, the strength to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference") stop wishing for the impossible and pursue a life of joy and fulfillment. Gluttony. . . read again . . . Over-consumption . . . stop wasting food, money, space, time, people, air, water, fossil fuel, electricity . . . the list goes on.

So, fear of eternal damnation aside . . . the seven deadly sins CAN in reality be deadly. And consider the time and place the fear mongers of the time were operating. If anyone took to committing any of these sins on a regular basis they could have actually caused a shit ton of damage to their community. Even now, the overconsumption of resources is killing the planet. . . people are at war because of the belief that one form of government is so much better than another . . . and think of the number of relationships destroyed because folks can't help but wish their girlfriend is hot like me - or the amount of plastic surgery to make boobies bigger, noses smaller, and backs less hairy . . . ugh. Think about all the other reasons to AVOID behaving with selfishness or a sense of superiority . . . . it is a little scary.

... but, if fear of eternal damnation is what it took to curb people's selfishness back then . . . what on earth would it take now? What could you do to convince folks to live with love in their hearts, peace in their future, and diligence in their daily pursuits . . .

If we can have nightmares that save us from danger why do we not have similar experiences built in to prevent us from acting like assholes? Maybe we do and we have taken the fear mongering and unattainable desires outside of our dreams to such an extreme we are anesthetized to the lessons we are supposed to be learning during our REM cycles? What if the reason we dream of other lovers is to prevent us from taking up other lovers? What if we dream of having different bodies or living the life of a movie star as a way of previewing a life we envy and instead of seeing these things as having their own set of troubles we interpret them as flights of fancy that feed our selfish desires instead of trips into places to satiate our ego so we can be healthy when we wake...if the dreams we inherited from our ancestors of wolves chasing us have morphed into paparazzi and flash bulbs...how effective will we be in passing on warnings to our progeny?

Embracing Ugly

Today I am re-opening my blog. I cannot say I feel pride or excitement. But, after reading my old posts, I can say that this blog was my salvation during a very hard year. I am leaving it open because when I remember one of the reasons I closed it was the shame I felt as a result of inviting someone into this space and getting the reaction that "I don't know why you would want to put all of that out there." In reference to some of the more private or revealing thoughts that I posted. Well, I am not a keeper of diaries. I am not a fan of secrets. But, I am no big-mouth. I understand discretion and the purpose of protecting people through tight lips. I am a truther. It is like a liar except I tend to tell the truth without thinking and sometimes when it isn't necessary to say anything at all. But, I am ashamed now that I shut down due to the opinion of someone who did not know me or really try and understand why I kept a blog. Because knowing me means knowing I hate to write. Knowing that although I usually answer questions directly and don't hide from the truth, I am actually quite private and I don't enjoy sensationalism. This blog was really an attempt to better document my life. As someone who avoids written documentation this is a way of challenging myself. It isn't about shocking people or hurting people or venting for the purpose of venting (though I do plenty of that). It is just my space to challenge myself to do something that does not come easily. This is about accountability. To myself. I challenge myself to maintain a line of communication with the voices in my head and with the river of knowledge that some call the collective unconscious. I am not a closet with a lock you have to pick. I like having conversations. But, ultimately this is not about you. It is for and about me. If we both (writer/reader) start by knowing that perhaps I will not shut down again. I want to give this another go. If it does not take flight I want it to be because I hate writing and haven't found a way to overcome that obstacle not because I feel shame in this venue or my melancholy tendencies.