Embracing Ugly

Today I am re-opening my blog. I cannot say I feel pride or excitement. But, after reading my old posts, I can say that this blog was my salvation during a very hard year. I am leaving it open because when I remember one of the reasons I closed it was the shame I felt as a result of inviting someone into this space and getting the reaction that "I don't know why you would want to put all of that out there." In reference to some of the more private or revealing thoughts that I posted. Well, I am not a keeper of diaries. I am not a fan of secrets. But, I am no big-mouth. I understand discretion and the purpose of protecting people through tight lips. I am a truther. It is like a liar except I tend to tell the truth without thinking and sometimes when it isn't necessary to say anything at all. But, I am ashamed now that I shut down due to the opinion of someone who did not know me or really try and understand why I kept a blog. Because knowing me means knowing I hate to write. Knowing that although I usually answer questions directly and don't hide from the truth, I am actually quite private and I don't enjoy sensationalism. This blog was really an attempt to better document my life. As someone who avoids written documentation this is a way of challenging myself. It isn't about shocking people or hurting people or venting for the purpose of venting (though I do plenty of that). It is just my space to challenge myself to do something that does not come easily. This is about accountability. To myself. I challenge myself to maintain a line of communication with the voices in my head and with the river of knowledge that some call the collective unconscious. I am not a closet with a lock you have to pick. I like having conversations. But, ultimately this is not about you. It is for and about me. If we both (writer/reader) start by knowing that perhaps I will not shut down again. I want to give this another go. If it does not take flight I want it to be because I hate writing and haven't found a way to overcome that obstacle not because I feel shame in this venue or my melancholy tendencies.