I wish I had something worthwhile to write. I realized I keep deleting blog entries lately. Everytime I get on to write something - I read something I already posted and delete it. It is strange. I do the same thing with my other work. I may keep it for a moment or a decade - and eventually I find it trite. Actually, I find most of this blog boring at this point. Not boring. Exhausting. I am tired of rolling around holding my sides and whaling for the world to be righted. I am tired of spewing out crap about my "process" that may or may not be true. I am bored of this and I am thirsty.
Literally, I want a drink. I am going to drink a cool glass of lemonade.
My dry and cracking throat makes it hard to swallow the tears pounding the insides of my cheeks. They aren't falling. Cause, I'm too thirsty to cry. If I pray again today it means today will be the most I have prayed in the last three years of my life.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Goddard Post for Schock June 2008
I plan on working with this piece further and possibly including it as a portion of the dreaming section of the doll stories film project. This would be the illustration of:
a. my personal relationship to dolls and dreamworlds & b. the process of personality development through transitional object by a kinesthetic learner. I included a prior study entitled "Daydream" and some digital stills at the end of the piece.
I believe the use of figures and images from the doll house or "dream house" will be used to encapsulate the "dreaming" section of the film. (see chapter grid in document submission)
I will take this post down from the internet once I have received your response to my packet.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The sloppiness of process
I was never the hare but, until recently, I was never the tortoise either. I am amazed at how slowly I am progressing through this semester and through this work in general. Sometimes, it seems my body and mind are the obstacles, other times it is as if the materials themselves are at war with my intentions.
I am failing to make connections between my reading and my work - which is most frustrating because it was I, after all, who chose the reading to partner with my work. So, I feel like I keep heading in the wrong direction. Or, an event like occurred again this week slows my work. I worked for over twelve hours on Monday - all productive - read, wrote, and created. Tuesday, similarly productive - I didn’t feel the pace was fast and I felt, for the most part, everything was going rather well. Wednesday came - and the more I moved forward (or at all) the more I felt as if I was almost undoing the two previous days work. I spent five hours on two (yes, 2) very small little sculpted pieces of furniture. AND the little wall pieces and the “yard” I had made were cracking and falling apart.
I know, logically, this cycle is normal for someone with my health condition - and I am quite frankly - just pissed off about how it creates this grand permanent problem of physical pain and exhaustion, emotional anxiety, and short term memory loss - which will cause for several hours wasted on the backwards way I have to read in order to remember anything. I also know that the reason it doesn’t happen every day is due to the fact that my central nervous system seems directly connected to the barometer. A small blessing if you live as a farmer - but, I don’t. Fortunately, I did not “unread” anything but, all the doubts started raising to the surface. “Is this really going to work?”, “Does this idea really apply or am I just co-opting the idea for convenience sake?”, “Do I actually believe this or am I just trying to adapt the idea so that it looks like I did the work?”, “ WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!!!”, “This sucks, I suck, This has all been done before - what is the point!” “I should just get a job doing data entry.” And this keeps happening. I think the biggest doubt I have is if I am going to be able to pull off enough work to show that the tortoise is in fact, slow and steady - and not napping under a tree. And then there is the actual failures of the work. The clay cracks, the image fails to pass on the proper ethos and/or pathos, the technology is unavailable to doing the work I want to do - or the idea seems to only be half thought - thus the piece is incomplete.
I know I need to develop a baby thesis for each idea - it is the only way I can sort of check myself - and this is the first place I can start to improve the work. I also feel like I have recently made a breakthrough in both general vision and direction - but, it's that doubt again.
I also know, that given enough patience - I will work out the "kinks" and fill in the "cracks".
I also know that I feel like I have begun to make a HUGE break through with the overall vision. The doubt, I think is that fear of success thing - but, also, that the vision "feels right", but I cannot define the "Why?", and that means I am at risk of creating another half-thought. So, today I am assigning myself to answer"Why?". And then to web them with a salient purpose.
Why
#1. White
White is symbolic of blank, cleansing, pure, beginnings, clarity, reflects all colors,
#2. Dolls
Developmental tools for understanding one's environment, culture, body, relationships, love, touch, self, imagination, god
#2.1 different dolls, dolls in different positions
Dolls have been around since before recorded history, they reflect our culture, our homes, our environment, our society and since they represent all these aspects of our lives and we are forever looking for ways to understand these things - children have been using dolls to understand and communicate about our lives for ages - adults have also used them - in the form of puppets, miniatures, mannequins, sculpture, etc . . . and in the history of playing with dolls . . .
In children's play with dolls they will abandon them in strange places, positions, they will torture them, cuddle them, fling them, burn them, cut them, dress them, undress them, poke them, pinch them, spank them, beat them, throw them, swing them, hold them, stomp on them, kick them, draw on them, dismember them, behead them, and then cry when they are hurt, laugh as they destroy them, and then apologize to them and bandage them up
#3. Mirrors
Reflection of self, backwards world, opposites, alludes to another dimension/place/world
#4. Glitter
implies dreams, fantasy, magic
#5. Miniature
controlled environment, playing god, same purpose as dolls, a way to look at our world/stories without having to be harmed by it/them
#6. Story
the origin of our questions, the reason we look for explanations, the explanations, what it is we are looking to understand, what it is we are presenting before ourselves in miniature in order to understand better
I am failing to make connections between my reading and my work - which is most frustrating because it was I, after all, who chose the reading to partner with my work. So, I feel like I keep heading in the wrong direction. Or, an event like occurred again this week slows my work. I worked for over twelve hours on Monday - all productive - read, wrote, and created. Tuesday, similarly productive - I didn’t feel the pace was fast and I felt, for the most part, everything was going rather well. Wednesday came - and the more I moved forward (or at all) the more I felt as if I was almost undoing the two previous days work. I spent five hours on two (yes, 2) very small little sculpted pieces of furniture. AND the little wall pieces and the “yard” I had made were cracking and falling apart.
I know, logically, this cycle is normal for someone with my health condition - and I am quite frankly - just pissed off about how it creates this grand permanent problem of physical pain and exhaustion, emotional anxiety, and short term memory loss - which will cause for several hours wasted on the backwards way I have to read in order to remember anything. I also know that the reason it doesn’t happen every day is due to the fact that my central nervous system seems directly connected to the barometer. A small blessing if you live as a farmer - but, I don’t. Fortunately, I did not “unread” anything but, all the doubts started raising to the surface. “Is this really going to work?”, “Does this idea really apply or am I just co-opting the idea for convenience sake?”, “Do I actually believe this or am I just trying to adapt the idea so that it looks like I did the work?”, “ WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!!!”, “This sucks, I suck, This has all been done before - what is the point!” “I should just get a job doing data entry.” And this keeps happening. I think the biggest doubt I have is if I am going to be able to pull off enough work to show that the tortoise is in fact, slow and steady - and not napping under a tree. And then there is the actual failures of the work. The clay cracks, the image fails to pass on the proper ethos and/or pathos, the technology is unavailable to doing the work I want to do - or the idea seems to only be half thought - thus the piece is incomplete.
I know I need to develop a baby thesis for each idea - it is the only way I can sort of check myself - and this is the first place I can start to improve the work. I also feel like I have recently made a breakthrough in both general vision and direction - but, it's that doubt again.
I also know, that given enough patience - I will work out the "kinks" and fill in the "cracks".
I also know that I feel like I have begun to make a HUGE break through with the overall vision. The doubt, I think is that fear of success thing - but, also, that the vision "feels right", but I cannot define the "Why?", and that means I am at risk of creating another half-thought. So, today I am assigning myself to answer"Why?". And then to web them with a salient purpose.
Why
#1. White
White is symbolic of blank, cleansing, pure, beginnings, clarity, reflects all colors,
#2. Dolls
Developmental tools for understanding one's environment, culture, body, relationships, love, touch, self, imagination, god
#2.1 different dolls, dolls in different positions
Dolls have been around since before recorded history, they reflect our culture, our homes, our environment, our society and since they represent all these aspects of our lives and we are forever looking for ways to understand these things - children have been using dolls to understand and communicate about our lives for ages - adults have also used them - in the form of puppets, miniatures, mannequins, sculpture, etc . . . and in the history of playing with dolls . . .
In children's play with dolls they will abandon them in strange places, positions, they will torture them, cuddle them, fling them, burn them, cut them, dress them, undress them, poke them, pinch them, spank them, beat them, throw them, swing them, hold them, stomp on them, kick them, draw on them, dismember them, behead them, and then cry when they are hurt, laugh as they destroy them, and then apologize to them and bandage them up
#3. Mirrors
Reflection of self, backwards world, opposites, alludes to another dimension/place/world
#4. Glitter
implies dreams, fantasy, magic
#5. Miniature
controlled environment, playing god, same purpose as dolls, a way to look at our world/stories without having to be harmed by it/them
#6. Story
the origin of our questions, the reason we look for explanations, the explanations, what it is we are looking to understand, what it is we are presenting before ourselves in miniature in order to understand better
Sunday, March 30, 2008
It REALLY is the Simple things
For those who have yet to figure it out. Let me list my qualifications for extending this cliche as advice.
1. homelessness
2. poverty
3. chronic physical pain
4.worst winter in Vermont in OVER 130 years.
5. loving companion and two children (that continue to remain intact in spite of #s 1- 4)
1. homelessness
2. poverty
3. chronic physical pain
4.worst winter in Vermont in OVER 130 years.
5. loving companion and two children (that continue to remain intact in spite of #s 1- 4)
Saturday, March 29, 2008
What feels good
I have spent the last five hours being super productive at work. I get to go for a walk with my family when I close up, I smell good, and I ate a banana, a pear, and a sweet navel orange for lunch. TAA DAA! I feel alright. (knock on wood)
Friday, February 15, 2008
Hope Restored - At least Temporarily
I just returned from my MFA-IA Residency at Goddard. I set out to challenge my own boundaries and I think I met every challenge I set for myself! I am feeling invigorated and a bit bruised (literally - I danced myself into damaged goods) Ah well, when the Banshee is alive in me I am also free!
I am thirty years old tomorrow. My pops sent me a beautiful sterling silver and stone necklace AND a set of tools! You did it dad! You hit the bullseye! Tools and Jewelry. Other than chocolate, which Ari is making in abundance, I think that just about covers all the bases. Okay - some killer wine or other type of lovely drink would be the icing on my cake for the year.
By the Way, Heazer . . . I miss you too.
eramarie
I am thirty years old tomorrow. My pops sent me a beautiful sterling silver and stone necklace AND a set of tools! You did it dad! You hit the bullseye! Tools and Jewelry. Other than chocolate, which Ari is making in abundance, I think that just about covers all the bases. Okay - some killer wine or other type of lovely drink would be the icing on my cake for the year.
By the Way, Heazer . . . I miss you too.
eramarie
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Lost and Found
I have one hug that has been left unclaimed. Please, contact the lost and found department in order to determine if you believe you are the owner of this hug. It seems to be snugly, warm, strong, loving, and full of undying respect. A more detailed description will be required from the claimant at the time of pick-up.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Lack-luster (not enough caffeine?)
Well, all in all, things are going well. I keep thinking about this great little short film and trying to apply (re-apply) some of the values it speaks to into our daily life. To see it go to www.storyofstuff.org. I am looking forward to taking on some new projects in the next few weeks. I am a little concerned about what direction I am heading creatively but, I imagine it will become clear by the residency in February.
I miss my sisters.
I recently experienced something I hadn't had to deal with, possibly ever, before. I believe I was carrying on trying to develop a relationship with someone who I don't think likes or trusts me. I don't know if I'll ever find out. I was never confronted about anything so, as much as I would love to have a chance to apologize for anything I did wrong or simply discuss any mis or mal communications - I don't think I will ever get a chance. It makes for a strange sort of afterglow. I thought I had let go of it already. Unfortunately, I woke up thinking of how uncomfortable the experience has been. As a matter of opinion, I have found many (though a decreasing percentage!) of my interactions with folks in the past five months have left the same sort of cloudy-icky-slimy feeling. I know some can be contributed to my own lack of self-confidence in this new place. However, I am relatively certain, as I meet more folks and have fewer interactions that resemble the ones I am currently thinking of, it is not just me.
It is true that I have a lackluster enthusiasm when it comes to trusting people. It is also true that I fight the urge to develop a darkened pessimistic world view on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis as of late. It is also true that it doesn't come from nowhere . . . and . . . I have faked happy on several occasions hoping to spare others the dark cloud of rage that I have been trying to dance away.
I hate doing dark work. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to create rainbows and star shine.
I am wondering if blogging is not for me. Perhaps, it would be more appropriate for me to direct my wandering wondering into some shells and rocks and toss them into the river. When my children are really upset I have them roll their rowdy, angry, or otherwise frustrated feelings into a ball and throw those feelings into the woods or some bushes or the river. I suppose it is time for the lesson to be learned by the teacher. First, I was very excited to blog. I have never been good at keeping a journal or diary going for too long. I seem to be able to return to the computer and write more than I would in a book. Perhaps, the key is to make an unpublished blog. A file on the computer that I can trick myself into publishing posts to that never appear anywhere else. It isn't that I am the most private person. But, I am more private than some have come to believe (as a result of this blog). I have not clue what I am going to do next.
I am still floating. RAmble RAMble. Blah blah blah. I think I will go run errands. Errands are good. I will go out and accomplish something. oooooooooooooook.
I miss my sisters.
I recently experienced something I hadn't had to deal with, possibly ever, before. I believe I was carrying on trying to develop a relationship with someone who I don't think likes or trusts me. I don't know if I'll ever find out. I was never confronted about anything so, as much as I would love to have a chance to apologize for anything I did wrong or simply discuss any mis or mal communications - I don't think I will ever get a chance. It makes for a strange sort of afterglow. I thought I had let go of it already. Unfortunately, I woke up thinking of how uncomfortable the experience has been. As a matter of opinion, I have found many (though a decreasing percentage!) of my interactions with folks in the past five months have left the same sort of cloudy-icky-slimy feeling. I know some can be contributed to my own lack of self-confidence in this new place. However, I am relatively certain, as I meet more folks and have fewer interactions that resemble the ones I am currently thinking of, it is not just me.
It is true that I have a lackluster enthusiasm when it comes to trusting people. It is also true that I fight the urge to develop a darkened pessimistic world view on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis as of late. It is also true that it doesn't come from nowhere . . . and . . . I have faked happy on several occasions hoping to spare others the dark cloud of rage that I have been trying to dance away.
I hate doing dark work. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to create rainbows and star shine.
I am wondering if blogging is not for me. Perhaps, it would be more appropriate for me to direct my wandering wondering into some shells and rocks and toss them into the river. When my children are really upset I have them roll their rowdy, angry, or otherwise frustrated feelings into a ball and throw those feelings into the woods or some bushes or the river. I suppose it is time for the lesson to be learned by the teacher. First, I was very excited to blog. I have never been good at keeping a journal or diary going for too long. I seem to be able to return to the computer and write more than I would in a book. Perhaps, the key is to make an unpublished blog. A file on the computer that I can trick myself into publishing posts to that never appear anywhere else. It isn't that I am the most private person. But, I am more private than some have come to believe (as a result of this blog). I have not clue what I am going to do next.
I am still floating. RAmble RAMble. Blah blah blah. I think I will go run errands. Errands are good. I will go out and accomplish something. oooooooooooooook.
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