Lack-luster (not enough caffeine?)

Well, all in all, things are going well. I keep thinking about this great little short film and trying to apply (re-apply) some of the values it speaks to into our daily life. To see it go to www.storyofstuff.org. I am looking forward to taking on some new projects in the next few weeks. I am a little concerned about what direction I am heading creatively but, I imagine it will become clear by the residency in February.

I miss my sisters.

I recently experienced something I hadn't had to deal with, possibly ever, before. I believe I was carrying on trying to develop a relationship with someone who I don't think likes or trusts me. I don't know if I'll ever find out. I was never confronted about anything so, as much as I would love to have a chance to apologize for anything I did wrong or simply discuss any mis or mal communications - I don't think I will ever get a chance. It makes for a strange sort of afterglow. I thought I had let go of it already. Unfortunately, I woke up thinking of how uncomfortable the experience has been. As a matter of opinion, I have found many (though a decreasing percentage!) of my interactions with folks in the past five months have left the same sort of cloudy-icky-slimy feeling. I know some can be contributed to my own lack of self-confidence in this new place. However, I am relatively certain, as I meet more folks and have fewer interactions that resemble the ones I am currently thinking of, it is not just me.

It is true that I have a lackluster enthusiasm when it comes to trusting people. It is also true that I fight the urge to develop a darkened pessimistic world view on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis as of late. It is also true that it doesn't come from nowhere . . . and . . . I have faked happy on several occasions hoping to spare others the dark cloud of rage that I have been trying to dance away.
I hate doing dark work. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to create rainbows and star shine.

I am wondering if blogging is not for me. Perhaps, it would be more appropriate for me to direct my wandering wondering into some shells and rocks and toss them into the river. When my children are really upset I have them roll their rowdy, angry, or otherwise frustrated feelings into a ball and throw those feelings into the woods or some bushes or the river. I suppose it is time for the lesson to be learned by the teacher. First, I was very excited to blog. I have never been good at keeping a journal or diary going for too long. I seem to be able to return to the computer and write more than I would in a book. Perhaps, the key is to make an unpublished blog. A file on the computer that I can trick myself into publishing posts to that never appear anywhere else. It isn't that I am the most private person. But, I am more private than some have come to believe (as a result of this blog). I have not clue what I am going to do next.

I am still floating. RAmble RAMble. Blah blah blah. I think I will go run errands. Errands are good. I will go out and accomplish something. oooooooooooooook.